Editor’s Note: This column is written in a comedic and satirical tone.
As the crazy old lady around the corner once said, “You can really know someone by the way they use their latrine. If so, then NIU dorm residents are in bad shape. As a dorm resident for four years, I walk into my upstairs bathroom not knowing what to expect, only that it will be something strange.
First, there is the shower. Is there anything weirder than walking into a semi-modern shower wearing flip flops? And I swear, whoever leaves their toiletries there, pick them up and put them in your room, you lazy moron. It is a common area and there is not much space available.
Then there are the toilets. When my fellow citizens use them correctly, it’s fine. But when I’m trying to pack my stuff and get out of there, it’s kind of annoying when the guy in the booth next to me is watching TikTok at full volume. At this precise moment, I hope that a troll will come in like in “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” and put me out of my misery.
Don’t forget about all the weird characters that populate this place. First, there’s The Noodle Dumpers: people who find the best place to dump Ramen noodles is in the sink. It’s kinda hard to brush my teeth when there’s semi-edible noodles staring at me.
Now I love Ramen noodles. As a student, it is mandatory that I like them. But I don’t see why the bathroom sink is the best place to throw them. Here’s a good idea, try the toilet. Throw them away and rinse them. You don’t need to be a graduate to figure this riddle out.
Then there is the washbasin. Seems like I meet this guy twice a week as he spends five minutes washing his hands. Now I appreciate his commitment to hygiene but, after five minutes of washing his hands thoroughly and two minutes of drying them, I just want to approach him and say “Good luck doctor, I hope the operation will be fine.”
With such idiotic behavior, is it any wonder that the dorm floors don’t have stoves or ovens. Because as much as I’d love to bake cornbread or bake a cake, there’s no way in Earth, Heaven, or Hell to entrust students with anything if they can’t handle it. a shared bathroom. I just have a little advice. Pretend to live with other people. Because you do. NIU maintenance staff are not paid enough.